Every generation of Veterans has to live with the circumstances of its war. As we reflect on the 25th anniversary of September 11, it’s worth recognizing the difficult circumstances that many Veterans who have served since are facing.
While young men were drafted and sent to Vietnam, no one was drafted to fight the wars that followed September 11. Our country relied on people who chose military service, including those who enlisted in response to the attacks.
Being drafted for Vietnam interrupted nearly every expectation those service members had for life. The Army’s usual yearlong tour gave them a date to work toward returning to those plans, though reaching that day could do little to prepare one for coming home. Many Vietnam Veterans returned to a country where anger about the war negatively affected how they were treated.
Service members coming home after 9/11, however, were welcomed by a nation that is proud of them. But as much as a warm welcome matters, it does not grant us reason to presume that the later generation has had an easier time living with the circumstances of its war.
Veterans of Afghanistan and Iraq require considerable adjustment within a family. Service members may struggle to reconnect with people they love. A spouse could have spent months making decisions alone to keep the household functioning. Children might have grown accustomed to a parent’s absence. The returning service member wants to be part of everyday life again, all while dealing with experiences difficult to explain to anyone at home. Such conditions are not pleasant, but they are very real.
Making the return even more difficult, the country called on many of those same people repeatedly. A service member leaving for a third or fourth deployment already experienced the relief of returning home and the difficulty of leaving yet again. Repeated deployments, sometimes with limited time at home between them, also placed demands on families as well as the service members preparing to leave, knowing far more about the danger ahead than they had the first time.
After the final homecoming a Veteran might be surrounded by people who were glad to have them back and still feel uneasy doing things that had once been ordinary. Being with family could bring the frustration of feeling distant from them alongside the happiness of being together again. Missing the people they served with could be difficult to explain to someone who had been back at home, spending the deployment waiting for the service member to return. Yes, these difficulties can even exist in a loving household, among people trying very hard to help.
That can be hard to recognize when a Veteran seems pleased to speak with us. Someone can appreciate our concern and choose to say that everything is fine. They may have experienced an honest answer making people uncomfortable. If our conversations seem to invite only pride or reassurance, we will likely receive exactly those answers. We can leave feeling good about having thanked a Veteran without actually knowing much about how that person is living.
This is particularly important at State Veterans Homes, where we at HMR Veterans Services have the opportunity to know Veterans over time. As more of those who served after September 11 need long term care, they will arrive with years of life between their military service and the day they enter our Homes. Some will have spoken openly about those years. Others will have little interest in discussing them. We need to learn about each person at a pace they are comfortable with, without assuming that a familiar service history means a familiar experience.
Moving into a Home asks someone to adjust again, this time while accepting help with parts of life they may have managed independently for decades. Knowing what helps them feel comfortable will take more than a warm reception.
On this September 11, a Veteran attending our remembrance may be thinking about a first deployment and what went into the decision to enlist, or missing a friend lost years after the attacks. Their experience of the day deserves our respect, including when it is different from the patriotism we feel around them.
We may already support Veterans wholeheartedly and still have much to learn about what they have been living with. If someone trusts us enough to say that coming home has been hard, they should be able to finish that thought without being hurried toward reassurance. Understanding this should make us more thoughtful about how we ask questions and more patient with the answers.
Some of the most important things a Veteran has to tell us may come after we thank them.
